4 days before this year finally ends, I figured I had to continue my recent tradition of posting a year-end blog update to conclude the whole year. At the start of 2017, I thought that this was going to be a “cute” year ahead of me. I’d have fresh new experiences, meet new friends, make good memories, and maybe even meet someone, idk, special? You know, the kind of optimistic hopes we get during new years. I’m not saying that I was expecting to get myself a boyfriend when the year first kicked in, good riddance, what I’m trying to say is that when the new year came, I thought that there’s going to be some sweet plot twist awaiting me any time of the year. It’s not necessarily a boy, it could be anything –a new pet, a good book, a worthwhile author; just something that will conclude the last year of my teenage life. After all, I was only 19 years old from January to October of this year. Sadly, none of those “cute” things I was expecting happened. And the dish that was served to me was the total opposite of what I was hoping for. Why? Because the only thing I realized this 2017 was that –life is tough.
As a graduating college student, at 20, I apprehended how life could get. To tell honestly, it was quite uncomfortable to think that I’m in my early years of adulthood already –and to tell you, lots of responsibilities await me. This year I realized that I can’t anymore reason my age to escape the decisions I have to make sooner or later. I guess I’m old enough to carry some of the baggage that my parents were carrying all their lives. Truly, I want to help them. I want to become a functional part of society. But sometimes, on the quiet moments when I’m alone, the thought overwhelms me. This year I realized that life is not anymore all plays and laughter. Sooner or later, I’d have to face the accountabilities that come along adulthood. But there are a lot of other things bothering me. There were times when I look at the people that surround me, friends, neighbors, even mere strangers, then I think that at some point in their lives, they were in my shoes too.
Sometimes, my life gets irritating. There were days when I didn’t really like to go home. I’ve got a lot of issues both with myself and with my family. There were days when I’d want to go back to the time when I see my parents as people who would and could save me from all the bad things. When I was young, they were people who made everything better. Like what heroes are. Not just human beings. But then I see the fatality of hoping for those times to go back. They can’t and they never will. But I love them both. More than I could ever tell you. And I think that it is love to do your best to understand people even when all of you ache by doing so.
Also, this year, my grandma died. It was one of the toughest times of my life. Perhaps the plot twist I was hoping for. Only that, it wasn’t sweet at all. It was the hardest part of this year. I didn’t expect it coming. Then I thought that in my old age, there will come a time when it’s also going to be one of the toughest times for my family members. Then, I remember the fatality of this all.
And the drama that I faced this year didn’t end to that. All I can say is that I’ve been exposed to so much toxicity of other people I don’t anymore want to risk my mental and emotional stability. And most likely, this is the best lesson I learned this year –to keep myself away from toxic people and for the love of my sanity –cut them out when I need to. Moreover, this is the kind of lesson I want to tell those who need to hear it. Justice, I must say, is always more worthwhile than blind kindness.
Apart from that, I am torn between doing the important things and getting a life. And I’m telling you that it’s one of the most uncomfortable places in this world –to be in-between two things. So, good old love triangles where the girl is torn between two handsome guys is totally uncomfortable. But as for my case, it’s not a kind of Twilight love triangle. Rather, it’s something that will make up my whole life in the coming years.
Indeed, the future truly is a scary place. But that what makes it worthwhile –it being scary and unknown. I’m not going to say that I’m hoping for a better 2018 because as far as I know, it’s still going to depend on me if I make it better or not. Or rather, if I perceive it as better or not. Even the Theory of Relativity (both the special and general) argued that everything is just a matter of perspective. So who am I to contradict that? Also, I don’t want to start hoping for anything only to be proven otherwise. Like what happened this year. But if I were to ask for anything next year it’s this: I want to be happy in whatever I do. And having a few good books published, and the money to actually afford to buy them won’t hurt a bit.
If there’s anything that this year made me –it helped me become indifferent to those who deserve my indifference, and to life events that require my indifference. And that mate, I believe, is how you become an adult –when you finally start choosing which aspects of your life you should really truly care for.